Be Yourself 🦋

Have you ever struggled with this ?

I have and still do !

I want you to stop 🛑 and walk with me while we talk this out together 🦋

Number one have Appreciation for the person that you are today ! Who juggles life, the good, bad and the ugly. How do you do it? With grace, courage, determination and strength.

BE proud of you , even if you can’t see past the heavy cloud of darkness at times.

I’m here to remind you that your doing great.

Number two , reflect for a moment and acknowledge your story to date.

Number three , now look behind you, that’s called growth, change and purpose. You did that !!! Yes you did !

Number four , have gratitude for what you have achieved. The people you love, who loves you and the blessings you receive everyday. Where should I start, let’s start with YOU , you’re a blessing!!!

Number five, why do we waste time and energy worrying about being perfect, what people think and are we good enough! Always seeking validation from anyone that we are going ok, when really all we need is our own validation. Yes I am or No I’m not and that’s ok !

Number six, how often do we second guess ourself in a minute, hour, day, week, month or year. A lot right ! But I’m here to remind you, we are doing great.

Now that I have shared all that , how can we work at this and begin to ” be ourselves” and be proud.

Well we start by loving ourself !

Where do you start ?

Start saying No ! ❤️

Once a day start looking at yourself in the mirror and telling that gorgeous human looking back at you that YOU LOVE them !!! ❤️

Begin to write in a journal, share your feelings, thoughts and gratitudes on a daily basis. This is so healing for your soul.❤️

Create your dream board , sounds silly but when you can visually see your dreams, aspirations and goals in front of you each day. The universe will have your back and it will all start to come to fruition. Maybe not as quickly as you hope it too but it will happen.

” Why would we want to be handed everything on a silver plater as the saying goes ” without truly believing we are worthy of it ❤️

Next …

I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone and be yourself. The true authentic, beautiful, loving and inspiring person that you are. ❤️

Start to put yourself first ❤️

Surround yourself with like minded souls and embrace those that you have already in your life that love you no matter what. In the good times and in the bad. ❤️

Face your fears head on. Instead of running from them , choose to rise above them.❤️

Life’s too short to live with regret.❤️

Live for now and BELIEVE in yourself.❤️

I’m here to remind you that “You’re amazing.”❤️

I always say I’m a work in progress ! and so are you too.

Settling for second best and making everyone else happy.

You will begin to value your self worth, self love and your own happiness as number one.

What happens next is you do start to love yourself and begin to not care what people think of you. Let me just say there is a lot of stigma around loving yourself. The people that believe and share in this stigma are the ones that want to love themselves more than you. They can’t because they live in a world of fear and judgment. So let’s show them that they can too, let’s empower them ! To step out of the self hatred bubble.

The lesson today is that we can’t change the way people think and feel about us. What we can do is change how we react to this kind of behaviour. How by choosing YOU and rising up.

Imagine that !! What would that feel like … awesome ! Too right.

I worry about what people think and I still need to work on loving myself more everyday. Hand on heart you will never stop working on you, because we are not perfect, always growing and changing. Having an awareness that we have to work on us is the first step to greatness because it doesn’t just happen naturally.

My motto” I live one step and one day at a time”

Acceptance that ” Life will always have obstacles and roadblocks on my pathway, but that doesn’t mean I stop being me. That is what makes me who I am, so embrace it and I choose to be my true authentic self everyday .”

When you be yourself hand on heart your life will shift.

Never second guess yourself.

Love yourself graciously and the world will love you back

It is the Truth !

I’m living proof , my life has changed and changes everyday all because I love me !

Loving blessings from me 😘😘

What if ….

Dear Me

What if …. today you took a chance on you. Started believing in all the things that could go right instead of worrying about the things that could go wrong. Because you know what? You are a living proof bubble that anything is possible if you believe.

What if … you took a leap of faith. Remember how you and your husband took a leap of faith literally nearly 2 years ago and moved to Albury. Nothing has gone wrong has it ! Actually it has been the best thing you did for your family. But what is incredible is that those dreams you put out there, they really do come true. You manifested your dream home and got it. You asked to heal from the inside out and guess what, your soul is enriched with new health , happiness , friendships , adventures and new memories. That doesn’t just include you, that’s your whole family too.

What if …. instead of delving into other people’s negative crap and jealousy, you actually embraced that fluffy cloud of happiness. Go on .You’ve worked friggen hard for it and I think it’s time you invested in that T-shirt … what do ya reckon 😜”

What if …. you turned your can’t do this into, well, yes I can. You are a survivor of cancer , an RPM instructor NOW and you are writing your book with a publishing deal. Who would of thought .. kiss my butt cheeks non-believer club .

What if …. you turned I’m not smart enough around to yes you are. Look at what you’ve achieved already in your life apart from the obvious. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You look friggen amazing and you’re one subject and 4 practical assessments away from being a Qualified Counsellor. Go you good thing. We won’t talk about the extra assignment and practical assessment we knew nothing about, lol 😜😂

What if … we just took a moment to breathe. Life,it does get really hectic, actually everyday is hectic. We do feel overwhelmed at times ,actually most days our cup is at overflowing but remember …..

” one thing at a time ” guess what, you know it’s not going anywhere if we don’t get it done. 😂

What if … we just took a moment to have some self care and just be in the moment ❤️ . Remember that feeling when we do. I know it’s few and far between but how nice is it. Oh how we love our cup of tea and our wine time , awwwwww.

What if … we weren’t so hard on ourself. Your best is enough , you’re doing a great job. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves we need to have our own back. Or surround ourselves with people that do.

Ok , so all the what ifs , maybes and I can’t do that. Who is that ? Is that really the true you, or is that our good old friends Mr Fear, Mrs Self Doubt and our good old friend Mr Master Chief himself Worry.

What if …everyday to kick these guys to the kurb you wake up , show up and do your thing. Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve don’t change. Let’s work at that one not letting people turn our smile upside down. What do ya reakon !

What if … we embraced who we are: a strong , powerful , courageous women who is a survivor and a lover of life.

What if … we were ok with not everyone embracing this new and improved version of us. Because you know what odds are just like us they to are dealing with there What ifs !!! So let them deal with their what ifs and let them go like a balloon.

What if …. you embrace that dream board of yours again. You created that and there are a lot of new dreams on there and a lot that have been taken off too because you’re living proof that dreams really do come true.

What if … now for a moment you just looked up at that blue sky. You were meant to lay out here this afternoon and write this blog because just like you, someone needed the sunshine and needed this message. Blue, the healing colour of truth , opportunity and growth. Close your eyes and remember your path. Can you see it ,your career , aspirations, your book , your dreams especially that trip,remember Paris, it’s on your dream board. Don’t give up on that one !

What if … you just start to see what everyone else does. ” You are amazing , enough and so worth it ”

Love me xxx

Honesty ❤️

Dear Me

3.29am in the morning you can’t sleep.

No matter how much you have grown into yourself you still fill yourself with worry and self doubt.

Why is it that ? We live in a world where we need that constant validation. Right ? Why though !

Why do I at times live with fear of losing everything. That’s part of growth and change.

Or is it when you concentrate too much on the materialistic world and are not in the present, we lose sight of our real purpose and our authenticity. We have been so driven by goals , dreams and aspirations which is AWESOME but we have lost sight of what is really important; which is you. It’s called balance. Remember that one !

So I’m wondering this week when you took a step back looking from the outside in and re-centred yourself, did this help. Of course it did !

I know situations of late have heightened your emotions. Why is that ? Fear of losing people in your life if you say what you feel? It hasn’t happened so kick that one to the kerb.

Thoughts ! Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a crystal ball and we could see what the future has in store for us. Would the outcome be good ? Would we be happy ? What does life have in store for us ?

But life is all about the surprises along the way. The good , the bad , and the ugly. It binds everything together to help us appreciate with grace, strength and courage how truly lucky we are !

Every day we breathe the freshness of new air. We wake up and take one step forward to being the best version of ourself. That’s enough right ! We’ve got this girlfriend.

We struggle some days more than others just holding our shit together. You know what, overall I feel like we do a damn good job. We are real , we worry too much about what people think of us. But who cares, they’re not perfect either.” What people think of me is none of my business “. Hell Yeah 🙌🙌

We overanalyse things way too much. Our inner critic some days has a front row seat. However, our other critic always steps in to remind us to ” just live for the moment each and everyday ” . So we do !

Let’s just keep embracing life and take a chance on us. How about we keep loving every minute and don’t waste a second questioning ourself. You know it’s just the ego bringing self doubt and fear of failure in. No way are we going to give up on the work that we are doing. Let’s just push through it.You know it’s like running, if we can push through the negative self talk and badgering , well, we can get through anything. Remember courage and belief, there in there. So let her shine. Keep coming out and showing yourself to the world. You’re making a difference everyday. Don’t let life challenges and judgement hold you back .

Judgement ? People will judge you anyway. But they will also see you for who you really are, the true authentic you. ” Your vibe attracts your tribe “. These are the keepers, the stayers and the believers. Hold on to them. Spread your love like fairy dust because you are one magical human being. Yes, you and me we are !

Believe in yourself you’ve got this. Don’t let the lingering self doubt of other people’s beliefs bring you down. Keep spreading your love and really be true to who you want to be. That is the best gift that you can give to yourself ever. Your love is important.

So go out love and inspire the world the way you want to.

Spend more time doing what you want instead of what you feel others want for you, or for fear of mispleasing them.

Reconnect with your family and reconnect with yourself. Along the way these past few weeks you’ve lost sight of what was really important. Go out and find that again Girlfriend. I’ve got ya back.

Love me

❤️

Dear Dad ❤️ Me

Dear Dad

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you or think of the memories that we shared together.

One of the most treasured memories I have of you is the day I married Vince. I remember on the day you showed a lot of emotion. In my heart I know you were filled with love, joy and happiness that I had meet a man that loved me just as you loved me.

As you held my hand on our way into the wedding ceremony we shared a moment together where you spoke to me from your heart

” Marriage is hard work sweetheart. You have to work hard at it every day. I look at you and I’m so proud of the woman that you’ve grown up to be and I know that you will have a bright and enriched life with Vince. As your father I hoped that you would marry someone that loved you so much they couldn’t imagine a world without you in it. You might be marrying Vince today but you will always be my little girl”

I remember those words so clearly because it was such a special moment that I shared with you and you alone.

The short time that your grandchildren had you in their life, they loved and adored you. You created memories and loved them. I know when you looked at your granddaughter there was a part of her that resonated memories of when I was that little. She loved her poppy ❤️

I don’t understand why life dealt you the cards that they did but those cards got dealt to us too.

I understand why you stayed and I know how much you love our mum. You felt by staying it would be ok and you could make it right. Part of me wishes that you both had separated and maybe things might have been different today.

I often wonder if she had seeked the help she so desperately needed, would she have found peace and happiness. I believe with my heart it would have helped, because it has helped me.

When I look up at the blue sky I often think to myself in those fleeting moments about you in my thoughts. Do you ever think of us or remember us , your children, your grandchildren and my husband.

The last words you ever spoke to me was following a conversation I had with my mother on the phone. Like always she had been drinking, she was abusive and just wanted someone to blame . That person was me. As Vince and I sat there and listened to her, the picture she painted of me just didn’t ring true. I let her finish then for the first time in 37 years I spoke my truth. It came from my heart. There were no harsh words spoken, just how I wasn’t going to take the abuse anymore. This was it, no more.

She couldn’t handle hearing me speak with strength, courage and from a place of love. She hung up. Not long after, the phone rang it was you. My heart skipped a beat. Was this it? Had you seen the light and had she. Was she going to get help so we all could be a family again?

I used to pray and hope Dad that one day you would knock on my front door with her and apologise for all the pain, suffering and abuse I had endured. I can’t count how many times I have apologised to you both leading up to that day. It felt like all I ever did was apologise. I really don’t know what I ever apologised for. Actually I do know what it was ! So you would love me and want me as your daughter.

I couldn’t bring myself to do that anymore. To live a lie. How could I when I had a man that loved and accepted me for who I was everyday and those around me including my husband’s family , my brother and his partner and all our friends.

Your words cut me like a knife. I will never forget them but I have made peace and found forgiveness : “as far as I’m concerned your dead, your scum of a husband is dead and as for those 3 children, their dead to me too. You will never be in our life ever again”

What is sad is you had never even meet our third child Nicholas. You weren’t even there for his birth.

I have always wanted to ask, when you said that beautiful speech at my wedding, did you mean what you said?

” today is one of the proudest days of my life. My daughter is marrying a man that I call my son , we love him. To all the people here today you all know my daughter well and know what a true blessing she is and a joy to be around in this world. I love her very much and wish her all the happiness in the world today and always”

This is me today Dad, that daughter. I’m loving, supporting and inspiring others by making a difference in this world in all areas of my life.

Love your only daughter xx

I am here ❤️

Wednesday, a dear friend in my life who sat with me while I cried. She said to me, “write about this. Write about how your feeling now.”

So here I am.

Cancer, my world and what I wake up to everyday.

The past months and weeks I have been filled with strength, joy,excitement, love, gratitude, blessings and courage.

But I have also had worry,overwhelm, exhaustion, fear, self doubt and sadness.

Why? Because I’m honest. I look amazing, I feel amazing, I’m the fittest and healthiest I have ever been in my life. I love the person I am inside and outside. But yet at any given moment, the BIG C could take me down. This is my reality and what I live with everyday.

This week I have felt so raw and vunerable as I have shared with the world parts of my story. On top of that, I have been filled with self doubt, fear and questioned whether the road towards my dreams, passions and aspirations will come true.

Of course they will ! What a silly statement, but one that I’m sure everyone has experienced. That nagging fear of self doubt and judgement. I know this feeling all to well and so here I am finding myself writing about it. Honestly I’m not perfect, but I love myself and that’s more than enough.

Speaking the truth is what one does when they feel like this. Reach out to a loved one or ones. Be honest, open and truthful. What’s the worst that could happen? Nothing! Other than you feel better because you’ve let it out.

I visualised a balloon deflating and flying off in the distance when I sat and talked about it. As the tears rolled down my face, I just allowed myself to be with it all. It was ok, I was ok and I was going to be ok.

The next day, I went for my run. I always feel so at peace Especially when I run along the river here in Albury. It’s like everything that once was just dissipates. This is what it was like for me on Thursday.

Then I found myself just sitting in the sun and soaking up all that vitamin d. I had a peaceful moment to myself just breathing and allowing my inner calm and my thoughts to ground me and bring me back to the Here and now.

A shared cup of tea or coffee surrounding myself with like minded souls who love and appreciate me. Laughs, loving words spoken and stories shared with my friends. I did this too ❤️

My Husband and my children , taking time out to just be really present in their life and them in mine. Laughing, playing, snuggling on the lounge and just soaking up that love. Just enjoying the present.

In the end, It won’t define me because I don’t let it. If it did, I wouldn’t be the women I am today. I have so much love for who I am, that’s why when I struggle it’s hard to bear because I don’t like how it feels. I’m not that women anymore. I’m strong, brave and courageous.

So it’s Friday night now. I’m indulging, having a red wine, chocolate and icecream. How do I feel? Exhausted but extremely proud that I pushed through it. I smashed my third Shadow RPM class for this week and it was my best ever. I submitted my assignment that I had to redo. I’ve continued to write each day in my book and I’ve juggled the life and struggles of a 24/7 mum, wife, life in between and Yeah The Big C too !

How?! Because I talked about it and I acknowledged it for what it was when it was happening. I didn’t let it consume me and I loved myself to know that I needed to reach out to those near and dear in my life.

My message was clear the other day as I ran and visualised. “You are an amazing , strong, intelligent and vibrant women who is on a path of self discovery change and inspiration. Be kind to yourself dear one because you are so loved more than you will ever know.”

To ALL those beautiful souls that were present in some form for me this week. I love you beyond words always ❤️

Thankyou for gently reminding me that I’m human.

love me xx

Dear Me ❤️ Me

I am sharing this in the hope that the message is clear. Rape and abuse is not ok and never will be. The legal system has gotten better since it happened to my younger self. But the stigma is still there in our society.

Look after your daughters. Love them hard and always check in with them. Make sure they are safe and aware of the dangers. As hard as it is educating them about the cruelties of this world,whilst it is confronting, it may have saved me had my parents been more present in my life.

I do warn you of the gravity of what you will read. I’m sharing my story in the hope that it will educate and show how quickly my innocence was taken from me and could happen to someone close to you in your life. A journey I wish I never had to experience.

Dear Me,

I remember the day as clear as you do,it is etched in my memory. You were fifteen and in year 10. You had just finished your week of work experience for a travel company close to home. You really had a great time and felt independent and happy. The people that  were there were really nice people and you got on really well with them all.

Lying to your parents just became a reoccurring thing to do. You never really new how to be around your parents at any given time. Feelings of walking on egg shells , not wanting to be a burden, these where 24/7 feelings. You always seemed to find yourself in situations that were out of your control or did you just want to be loved? Your brothers were loved. What was wrong with you?

So you just resorted to the fact that what was the point anymore? That night you told your parents that you were going to stay at a girlfriend’s house from school. They knew the girl but were unaware that it was actually a party and boys were going to be there a lot older then you.

All you wanted was to be liked. To feel like you fit in somewhere in this world, but this just never happened. You felt like you never fit in and you always over compensated to get people to like you. You felt like the ugly duckling in the crowd.

Your memory of the night is very hazy and you were drinking alchol because you wanted to fit in and be liked. There was a boy there that you were interested in and you thought he liked you.

The next thing you knew you were in the bedroom. He had taken off all your clothes because you couldn’t. You were in and out of consciousness, not really sure what was happening. You said no to him. He didn’t listen. You tried to push him off you. He didn’t listen. He started to hurt you. You started crying. You kept saying no, but you were so intoxicated you couldn’t move and he was on top of you. You kept saying no. You were crying. No one could hear you because the music was so loud.

You passed out.  When you woke up everyone at the party was calling you 5 finger girl.

All you wanted to do was go home , but home wasn’t that great either. Where did you belong ? What had just happened? Yes, you were raped.

When you woke up the next morning, you never spoke about it to any one . You never reported it. You never did anything. He got away with it and then started spreading rumors around your area about you.“ The five finger girl “. Where had your innocence gone? You didn’t care anymore. You just wanted to die. You just wanted to die.

You felt like no one was going to believe you and that you asked for it. You should have felt like you could talk to your parents, but you couldn’t.  You felt like they would have said that you asked for it.

Speaking the truth now has set you free beautiful one. You are not alone anymore I am here for you. I love you

Love me ❤️

LOVE 💖 BELIEF 💖TRUTH

My spiritual journey began after I survived suicide. I really poured my heart and soul into my faith. I joined my local Anglican church. The reverend showed me care and compassion. He prayed over me when I was in a coma.

My journey with the church began as an alter girl. This brought joy and happiness into my heart. I loved Sunday. I was a part of the proceedings. It was an honour. I felt like I belonged somewhere; God and the Church.

I cant remember what I dreamt whilst I was in my coma, but I feel like I had connection to something; a presence. I felt like I was blessed in some form spiritually and my guardian angels were close. I believe something touched my soul. That I know for sure.

I knew somewhere deep within all the hurt and pain that I was meant to do something in this world. I just couldn’t put my finger on what it actually was at the time because I still had so much pain and hurt there.

When I went home everything was just swept under the carpet. We never spoke about the suicide and if we did it was only to tell me what an act of stupidity on my part it was.

I believe that is why I found God. He was my refuge and my coping mechanism. He helped me to see past what had happened and begin to start to see a future for myself; whatever that was I had no idea.

My faith helped to see past my pain and hurt. Over the years through faith and trust I have learnt to love myself despite all of my adversity. When I do struggle, I try to look within myself to see past the pain of what I have been through and find peace with it.

Every day I sit in the silence of prayer. It gives me hope, faith and trust that everything will be ok. Before I meet my husband, every night I would lie in bed and pray that I would meet a man that would love me so much I wouldn’t be able to imagine a life without him in it. That wish came true.

My husband was the biggest blessing that happened to me in my life at a time when I felt all hope had gone. He will often joke when they are all suffocating me with love,that I prayed for this, a love like no other and yeap I did get it. So grateful !

When I meet him though he had a tough time with me. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around.

I paid off all the money I owed. I had moved out of my ex boyfriend’s mother’s house and Vince at the time supported me at 28 to get my drivers licence and I did get it. It was so exciting …

My dad came back in my life and he organised the holden dealership which was contracted to his work to help me with my car purchase. It felt like all my Christmasses had come at once. When I applied for a loan with the bank I was honest about my financial situation. I was declared bankrupt. I wrote a letter and just told them the truth about everything and they approved it based on my honesty.

My little car, the green mobile or as I called her “ Sabrina” the Barina was to become my best friend. For the first time in such a long time I felt like I had achieved something on my own because I had belief in me. This was the beginning. It was a small step but it was the right step.

Life with Vince was just wonderful, he made me feel like a princess every day . He gave me the world and loved me unconditionally. It was not an easy road for him though, I was so angry a lot of the time. I would take it out on him a lot, which was not right and he didn’t deserve it.

I remember the night he took me out for dinner. It was our anniversary dinner. We went to a seafood restaurant and we got talking about marriage and he said to me “ I take marriage seriously, the woman that I marry will be for life”. I looked at him and said “are you saying that is me?” He said ” I do want to marry you but you need to heal. I understand why your angry and hurting. I love you and I want you to get the support that you need to heal.Something that no one has ever shown to you. Love, compassion, support and understanding.”

Those words shook me up and made me realise that I really needed to get some support or I was going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me, Vince.

All I could feel was my anger, hurt, and pain . The anger and resentment had been there for some time. It was going to take time to heal and heal I would. I agreed that the time had come to work with a counsellor. Time to heal.❤️

Over 7 years of counselling I have had. I have built a box of tools that help me each and every day to get through this journey called life. I always knew that the road was going to be a long one to overcome, all my pain and hurt, but more importantly to grow into the women today who truly loves herself as a whole.

” Candy I love you more then life itself and I want you to believe that you are worth loving because I love you. To see the truth about who you are supposed to be, because your soul is amazingly beautiful. Your beauty shines from the inside out and it lights up a room when your in it. Your presence is intoxicating. ” written in a card from my husband Vince

My message ….

Your beliefs are important

Love yourself always

and find truth in the process.

Courage Strength and Belief

” I love you so much Mum. You know why I say it Mum? Because I love you.” This is what my youngest son says to me everyday.

So I’m going to use this as the base of my blog, and my life leading into that. I’m so glad that I have the privilege to be a wife and mum to my three beautiful children that I love so much everyday. A love that as a child, I never experienced.

” Courage, Strength and Belief ” are pretty powerful words. Even more powerful when you have to find that within yourself. I was never taught, shown, or even felt it growing up as a child.

It isn’t a nice way to feel and not something you hope to live through as a child. I’m not here to put my parents down or blame them because really, they knew no different themselves. What I do wish is that they tried a little bit harder to fight for myself and my siblings.

Not everyone in this world is blessed to have good role modeling parents. However, I”m able to share my story with forgiveness. I know there is no anger or ill will anymore. As I know they did the best they could. Was their best enough? Only they can answer that.

As I’ve grown over time I’ve realised a lot about myself and what I went through. I used to blame myself for existing and being born into a family that I didn’t ever feel like I belonged too. I was blamed for every action, harsh word spoken and depravity that our family experienced, financial, physical and health issues.

I grew wondering where do I belong? Will I ever fit into this world?

At fifteen when I decided to take my own life there was nothing left in me anymore. Quite rightly I was on a roller coaster of destruction. I hated who I was. My mum would hit me and throw things at me and constantly tell me how I ruined her life and that I should be grateful she didn’t abort the pregnancy when she could. My friends were just the same. They used me for there own demise. I was raped at such a young age and rumours circulated; “I asked for it “. Not to mention all the name calling and writings on walls at my high school.

I hated how I looked in the mirror with my terrible lupus rash across my face. All I wanted was to be loved but I hated me.

I am a survivor but more importantly I’m a survivor of suicide. I was in a coma for over 3 days. My memory of my coma is one of waking up and counting to ten and telling myself at ten im going to get out of bed. Nothing would move. My memory is a blur, a lot of blackness and I can’t remember my dreams.

My road to recovery, when I did wake up, was a long one and not an easy one. I was made to feel bad for my actions, lots of blame and let’s just move on. I never healed and I didn’t have any tools to heal. My family just wanted to move on. In their words ” it was a selfish act ”

Over the years I’ve realised I’m far from perfect but one thing I do know is that I am a good person with morals, respect and gratitude for all the blessings I have everyday. My actions were a cry for help. Did I get that help ? No, never, just shame.

The last time I spoke to my mother was over 7 years ago, she had been drinking heavily. Something that wasn’t unusual. My husband who has been my rock and my strength through it all, heard all the conversation that night.

For the first time in over 35 years I stood up for myself. I spoke with courage strength and belief. I expressed how I never deserved her putting me down. Describing me as a sucker, how I ruined her life, not fit to be a mom, a hopeless wife, a hypercondriact, mentally ill, bashing me until I was fifteen and always reminding me of what a burden I was to those in my life.

Even with all the physical and emotional abuse there will always be apart of me that wishes that I had a Mum to call on at times of need. But now that will never happen.

It saddens me at times to think that no one, not even my father protected me from the abuse.

When I look at my life now I’m so blessed. I married my best friend, soul mate and father to my children. I am a great mum who loves ,supports and cares for her children everyday. I’m a loving sister, friend, aunt , support and loving member of my community.

I will always fight for me , because I’m worth fighting for.

Abuse is not ok and it never will be. I just hope by sharing my story that I inspire others to break free. Would our life have been different if my dad did? I don’t know.

What I do believe is I wasn’t meant to die at fifteen because I’m here to make a difference.

” Always have Courage, Belief and strength because you my dear, are important ” I love you pop always and forever.

RPM here we come

Pretty ironic that I’ve arrived here in Preston Melbourne for my RPM Les Mills group fitness instructor training weekend. My room is not ready so I’m having a wine at the bar and it says ” Chill ” on the glass of wine. So I’m just chilling. I’m nervous and excited about tomorrow but extremely proud of how far I’ve come on my journey. This is yet another goal I’m ticking off my vision board of dreams.

This whole week has been an amazing week of learning RPM 79, specifically my track for the training weekend which is Track 7 “Adrenaline!! Pure mountain climbs”.

This morning I was awake at 3am, fully wired and ready to go. I did really well presenting the track in RPM this morning. Pretty empowering when you have the love and support of a bunch of women around you cheering you on. Pretty blessed and grateful to be part of the Fernwood Albury Wondonga community.

Day 1 Les Mills RPM Training here we go, backpack full of snacks and a bag full of fresh clothes,towels,lets just say the essentials.

Checked in with my mentor and dearest friend Jules before I weathered the storm. I felt ready, however my belly felt like I was going on my first date lol !!!

All I can say is OMG the first hour was amazing. The day was awesome, so much sweat, burn and theory. Great bunch of people. Everything hurt including my brain but in a really good way. I’ve never eaten so many snacks or food in one day for a long time. But we all worked HARD. The burn was deep and viscerale.

What was so empowering was that feeling when you realise;could this get any better? I made it through the first day, presented well. How funny it was watching myself back on video, omg !!!

Headed back to the hotel feeling slightly overwhelmed for Day 2. Homework included scripting and choreography which had to be 100 %. Tomorrow bed time was no where close yet.! The whole tub of Halo chocolate ice cream with superfoods nut mix and glass of red wine got me there. All I can say is poor neighbours 😜.

Day 2, woke up, went for a run. Probably not the best thing to do on day 2 but I had really no idea what was ahead of me today, needed to clear my head. Running in the rain will do that. I knew it was going to be tough. Yep roller coaster on replay.

Presentation 2, full track 7 videoed, it was intense but I did it ! Feedback was great , but you know what was even better was the love and support of everyone in that room riding with me. It was insane. Goosebump material.

Just when you think you can’t feel your quads and hammies , your trainer lines us all in a line and we do what they call the RPM race of truth. Our bodies where pushed to extreme lactic levels and our muscles felt like they were going to be explode. I’m not exaggerating, it was intense but gosh we felt amazing when finished. Why, because we conquered it and we did it. #bestfeelingever

Theory, theory and more theory. I kinda went into melt down Candy mode, delirious and laughing at nothing in particular. Yep, the snort was getting louder. When you experience a group fitness training program you walk away with utmost respect for all trainers. Seriously what they have to do to create professionalism , passion , purpose and drive in group fitness classes. They are AMAZING individuals. It’s a tough gig. The realisation, omg, that’s going to be me soon !

Nearly at the finish line, one more presentation and we were homeward bound. I smashed it again.We all smashed it. Lots of feedback and knowledge in my tool box from our amazing trainer Libby, such an inspiring woman!

The road ahead; 3.5 hour drive home but I take back with me to Albury that big tool box to use on my next intense journey to become an RPM Trainer. What’s involved is 8 weeks of shadowing and training with my mentor and dearest friend Jules. Who,let me say, was with me via phone and messages the whole weekend, loving and supporting me the whole time. How lucky am I! So here we go. Watch this space and from the words of Libby our Les Mills Trainer….

” Believe in yourself and anything is possible ”

Run girl run

IMG_1359

Book entry Saturday 28th July 2018

Sitting back in the car today writing a page in my book, I find myself reflecting on my big run tomorrow and how far I’ve come in the past 24 weeks. I am also thinking about those that I love near and dear to my heart. Tomorrow I won’t just be walking for myself, I will be walking for all those people too that struggle everyday with physical, emotional, health and life challenges.

When it started to rain today , I flashed back to my wedding day. We had the biggest storm on that day and the rain was so heavy similar to today. My dear aunt came up to me and told me that rain is good luck, especially on a symbolic day. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life, so I believe that theory. I just love how the universe just gives us these gentle reminders.Well, I am taking this one as good luck for tomorrow. I’m going to smash it and I will have my biggest cheer squad, my gorgeous family loving and supporting me the whole way.

Seriously, though I cannot believe that I will be racing tomorrow after the last week. I sustained an injury doing box jumps.  For the previous two months I have cleared them, but not this particular day. The dreaded fear set in and took over. The injury I sustained was to do with my Sternum, lets just say I did a good job.

Everyone told me to slow down and have a rest day. Did I listen!? No. But was I worried? Yes. I just knew that I had to fight, rest and not allow the negative self talk of my injury to determine what was going to happen in a weeks time. Anyone that trains for any event knows that its not a great feeling to know that you may not be able to race. I fought that inner critic and did all the things that my body needed to get me ready for race day.

After seeing a physio and getting the all clear, he strapped it, told me to try and do a few runs and see how I pull up and that will be the determining factor as to whether I will be able to race.He was pretty confident. I just wanted to hug him. I was so happy, LOL I actually did hug him. I pulled up good after my two runs and did a couple of RPM classes as well, which was good. Basically, he said that I needed to be strapped on the day but I was all good to go. Yippee!!

Sometimes, I wonder where this strength an courage comes from because the road that I have travelled at times hasn’t been easy. As a child I didn’t have the love and support that I do now.  Those in my life at the time instilled other beliefs in me or made decisions based on what they felt would be right for me because of my health.That inner critic doesn’t define me anymore. That inner child  will be coming with me tomorrow on that run and we will run it together. Something we both thought we could never do. Well, we have certainly changed that.

My fight at times is hard and I do have days where I just want to give in to my health issues and my negative thought patterns. However, every morning when I wake up, some days are better then others. But when I do struggle with how my body feels and my mindset,  I think about how much love I have for myself and what empowers me to get myself out of bed each day.  I love how I feel after I do fitness classes, PT sessions, running and having great music to listen to. So I will be taking my music with me tomorrow on that mountain, music that sings to my soul. I will also be taking the amazing support team I have at my Gym, who believe in me more then I believe in myself. I will never give up and I will always show up, even when my body may be feeling a different way. It’s my faith and trust that God and the universe are supporting me. That gets me through each obstacle I face everyday.”

Race Day – Albury Hill Endurance 22 km

The journey at the beginning was so hard, I was freezing even before I started. I felt so out of my depth when I looked at all the people doing the race. It was cold, wet, steep, so many rocks and mud. I was worried. How was I going to pull through it? There she was, my inner critic coming in and telling me you’ve never run more then 9 km, how are you going to run 22 km? Feel that pain? It is only going to get worse and that was just at the 4 km mark. Then I could hear my trainer saying to me ” Candy, start visualising from start to finish. You’ve got this. I’m with you.” It was literally like she was behind me pushing me up the mountain. That saved me at that point!

I remember getting to the half way mark and a runner in front of me was fatiguing.We both were. Those bloody rocks! They were everywhere! I nearly went for a few stacks and then I heard my husband’s voice saying to me, “slow down. You don’t have to rush, your doing good time.” At one point, the girl in front of me turned around and said, “I think I’ve past the 10 km mark.” I said, “you haven’t, we are only at 7 km.” Then before I new it, there was the half way mark. It literally was like an out of body experience. I just found my body running towards the 22 km section. I then looked up to the sky and said, “well if you want me to do this you better have my back.”

When I spoke about this to my husband later, it was quite symbolic. It was the universes’ way of saying to me, ” you can take the easy road or you can believe in yourself and go get your dreams.”

I did go get my dreams. After that point, it just literally felt like an out of body experience. I felt like I was flying. Every song that came on, reminded me of someone close to me and it was literally like they were running with me. It was so empowering. The feeling was like I was on top of the world. The mountain just felt so majestic and freeing.

At one stage, the mountain was so steep.The elevation was phenomenal. I could hear my group fitness trainer saying to me, ” just think, every step you take is just that one step closer to finishing. You can do it!” That got me up the mountain. Then as I glanced at my watch, it literally felt like, “where did that time go?” It said I had only 2 km to go! Holy crap, I’ve done it! Then the most empowering song came on “Edge of Life”, by Cosmic Gate and Eric Lumiere. At that moment I was running down the hardest part of the endurance trail. It was the steepest, toughest and rockiest descent. All I kept thinking was OMG you’ve done this. My knees started to hurt and tears were welling up in my eyes the more I listened to the song. I was so proud of me!

I could see the finish line up ahead. My legs were so fatigued and then I looked up at the sky with the biggest smile and said thank you. I crossed the finish line thinking of how proud I was of myself and how far I had come today. There they were, my gorgeous family and dear friend cheering me on as I crossed the finish line. That was the best feeling!  My eldest son said to me ” I’m so proud of you mum! You did it! I love you!” Those words, I will carry with me in my heart forever.

My time was 2 hours and 40 minutes. I kicked ass, literally! But more importantly, I believed in myself. That was the best gift I gave to myself and my inner child.

My message is to never stop believing in yourself because anything is possible if you trust in the process and have faith in what will be.